(5/29/05)
"I'm leaving because the weather is too good."
          -- Groucho Marx

(5/22/05)
"It isn't necessary to be rich and famous to be happy. It's only necessary to be rich."
          -- Alan Alda

(5/15/05)
"We are the people our parents warned us about."
          -- Jimmy Buffett

(5/8/05)
"The most remarkable thing about my mother is that for thirty years she served the family nothing but leftovers. The original meal has never been found."
          -- Calvin Trillin

(5/1/05)
"True terror is to wake up one morning and discover that your high school class is running the country."
          -- Kurt Vonnegut

(4/24/05)
"I would have made a good Pope."
          -- Richard Nixon

(4/17/05)
"If you don't like change, you'll like irrelevance even less."
          -- Tom Peters

(4/10/05)
"Everybody needs his memories. They keep the wolf of insignificance from the door."
          -- Saul Bellow (1914-2005)

(4/3/05)
"The worst is not so long as we can say 'This is the worst.' "
          -- William Shakespeare, King Lear

(3/27/05)
"If only God would give me some clear sign! Like making a large deposit in my name in a Swiss bank."
          -- Woody Allen

(3/20/05)
"The advertisement is the most truthful part of a newspaper."
          -- Thomas Jefferson

(3/13/05)
"Sex... In America an obsession. In other parts of the world a fact."
          -- Marlene Dietrich

(3/6/05)
"A celebrity is a person who works hard all his life to become well-known, then wears dark glasses to avoid being recognized."
          -- Fred Allen

(2/20/05)
"Harvard takes perfectly good plums as students, and turns them into prunes."
          -- Frank Lloyd Wright

(2/13/05)
"Maybe all one can do is hope to end up with the right regrets."
          -- Arthur Miller (1915-2005)

(1/30/05)
"If life was fair, Elvis would be alive and all the impersonators would be dead."
          -- Johnny Carson

(1/23/05)
"The thing that impresses me the most about America is the way parents obey their children."
          -- King Edward VIII

(1/16/05)
"News is what somebody somewhere wants to suppress; all the rest is advertising."
          -- Lord Northcliffe

(1/9/05)
"I envy paranoids; they actually feel people are paying attention to them."
          -- Susan Sontag (1933-2004)

(1/2/05)
"The new year begins in a snow-storm of white vows."
          -- George William Curtis

(12/26/04)
"I once wanted to become an atheist, but gave up -- they have no holidays."
          -- Henny Youngman

(12/19/04)
"For last year's words belong to last year's language
And next year's words await another voice.
And to make an end is to make a beginning."
          -- T.S. Eliot, "Little Gidding"

(12/12/04)
"The length of a film should be directly related to the endurance of the human bladder."
          -- Alfred Hitchcock

(12/05/04)
"What men call gallantry and gods adultery, is much more common where the climate's sultry."
          -- Lord Byron

(11/28/04)
"Never eat more than you can lift."
          -- Miss Piggy

(11/21/04)
"Democracy is the theory that the common people know what they want and deserve to get it good and hard."
          -- H.L. Mencken

(11/14/04)
"Too bad the only people who know how to run the country are busy driving cabs and cutting hair."
          -- George Burns

(11/7/04)
"There are some things so serious you have to laugh at them."
          -- Niels Bohr, Danish Physicist

(10/31/04)
"Do you ever get the feeling that the only reason we have elections is to find out if the polls were right?"
          -- Robert Orben

(10/24/04)
"It's not the voting that's democracy; it's the counting."
          -- Tom Stoppard